I don’t like Pinot Noirs.
If you served it to me at your house I wouldn’t be so rude as to tell you I hate it, but I am about as excited to drink it as an over-oaked Chardonnay.
(The spell check is telling me the phrase “over-oaked” doesn’t exist. If only that were true. What if we lived in a world where words that spell check didn’t understand just didn’t exist? Am I high? No. But thanks for asking.)
I dislike Pinot Noir for the same reason most like it: I think it’s too thin and fruity. I like a dry red with strong tannins. If my tongue isn’t cemented to the roof of my mouth after a glass, I’m not happy. I like earthy wines. I want to stick my nose into a glass that smells like dirt and peat and a little must. I don’t mind smelling cherries, but at least throw a little oak in there. Most pinots smell like they were made for people who like to get drunk off of cough syrup but can’t handle the trails.
CHRIS: Tess does indeed believe in throwing a little oak in cherries, which is why her cherry pie recipe is not very popular with people who don’t want a mouthful of wood chips with their slice ala mode.
Now some have said that I’m just not drinking good pinots and point me in the direction of something that costs 35 bucks. Here’s my other problem: I don’t think you should have to spend $35 to get a decent bottle of anything. I mean, last week I had a good Barolo that only cost $30. And if I’m going to spend $35 or $50 or $100 on a wine it’s going to be on something I like; a Cab or a Bordeaux or an Amarone or a Barolo. I’m not going to spend $100 to drink an acceptable version of a wine I didn’t like in the first place, when I can spend it drinking an amazing version of something specifically tailored by Dionysus himself to fit my palate.
CHRIS: Tess has a bumper sticker on her car that says “Dionysus is my co-pilot”
Is that why I keep getting pulled over? I know what you’re thinking. “But Tess, what about Paul Giamatti’s famous monologue from Sideways?” Now, for the record, I love Sideways, love Paul Giamatti, still hate Pinot Noir. And I hate Sideways just the smallest bit for making people think Pinot Noir is cool. For making it so popular that even my low-rent Ralph’s (where I once bought a six pack that had 3 beers already drunk) stocks it. For putting an over abundance of it on bar menus, just because everyone thought they must know something about wine if the movie about wine told them to order it. And as for the quote, let’s look at what he says about Pinot Noir’s flavor: “the most haunting and brilliant and thrilling and subtle and… ancient on the planet.” All accurate if you’re describing a Gregorian chant. Not at all relevant to describe a pinot noir.
The one positive thing I will say about Pinot Noir is that it can be a “Gateway Red” – something light and approachable for people who don’t think they like reds that can get them in the door and then we can get serious.
CHRIS SAYS : Gateway reds have long been the focus of parent’s organizations. As we all know, you start out drinking Pinots with your friends, then a Barbaresco before your wife comes home, and before you know it, you’re uncorking Napa Cabs at three in the morning and waking up in a puddle of your own sick. If Pinots are ever outlawed, I can only hope “Medical Pinot clinics” open up and I can find a shady doctor to get me my medical Pinot card. Food for thought is all I’m sayin’.
To be fair, I have had a few Pinot Noirs I have liked, including one this past weekend. I tasted Domaine Drouhin Vero Pinot Noir at the Colorado Wine Company. I have a suspicion I may like French Pinot Noirs (also known as a Burgundies.) I like French Chardonnays better than American, too. What can I say? When it comes to wines I don’t like, I don’t like how the French make them the least. Also, the next day I get to call the headache a “Freedom Hangover.”
Tags: Pinot Noir, sideways, Tannins
